


Song by Song

by moon_star



Series: Eclipse [2]
Category: Big Bang (Band), YG Entertainment | YG Family
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, M/M, One Shot, Sad Ending, chocolate milk lots of chocolate milk needed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-20 07:41:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16551743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moon_star/pseuds/moon_star
Summary: “Do you, uh, wish you could take it back?” Jiyong asks.Seungri takes a deep breath, his body shaking with it, before he speaks.“Yeah,” he says. “I do.”





	Song by Song

I think I wanted it too much.  
And you didn’t want it enough.

Jay Crownover

 

Jiyong walks into their home to find the lights on.

He is here, he thinks with a deep sigh.

Oh, how he wished he could have avoided this. He didn’t want to acknowledge it just yet —he didn’t want to deal with it just yet. He knew he had to deal with it at some point, but he didn’t want to deal with it tonight, or tomorrow, or the next day, or the next week, or the one after that.

He wished it could be ignored for a while longer.

He wished it hadn’t happen.

He wished it wouldn’t be tonight.

But, since it’s happened, since this is the situation they are currently in, he knows it needs to be address tonight. It isn’t to say that he was hoping that it would go unaddressed because there was no way it can be ignored. Specially, since the one that wants to address it the most is packing up his things in their bedroom.

With another deep sigh, he makes his way to the kitchen first, pours himself a glass of chocolate milk—wishing he had extra chocolate syrup to add to his cup—chugs it down and then pours a cup of water for him. He turns most of the lights off as he walks to their bedroom.

When he walks in, he doesn’t see him, but he can hear him rummaging through their closet.

Jiyong’s feet seem to stick to the ground, as they grow heavier, making it hard for him to even stand because he knows it’s happening.

He is in there, packing the shoes Jiyong has helped him untie hundreds of times.

He is in there, packing the many suits Jiyong has helped him take off nights after nights.

He is in there, packing the many shirts Jiyong has unbuttoned for him time after times.

He is in there, packing the many jeans Jiyong has unzipped for him thousands of times.

He is in there, packing all the underwear Jiyong has pulled down for him countless of times.

He is in there, taking half of their closet and the entirety of Jiyong’s heart with him.

As Jiyong walks in the closet, he sees him, sitting on the floor, three suit cases in front of him and Ai on his lap. And he is beautiful, he’s just wearing a pair of jeans and a white shirt, and he looks absolutely breathtaking.

God, Jiyong’s really going to miss coming home to this, to him; how he’s going to miss coming home his gorgeous, sweet, amazing baby. And he wonders how long it’ll take for him to not miss him? How long it’ll take for him to not want him?

Years, he thinks. It’ll take years.

He takes a deep breath before he speaks.

“Hey,” he says in a soft whisper and Ai is the only one to greet him with a soft ‘meow.’ She doesn’t leave Seungri’s lap, though; she stays there, as if she can sense that he is leaving, as if she can smell tonight’s melancholy, as if she can hear the shattering of their hearts, as if she can feel them already being miles apart.

Jiyong moves closer to where Seungri is on the floor, his legs somehow now steadier than he feels them.

“I got you a cup of water,” he tells him. “Thought you might want it.”

Seungri doesn’t take the cup of water and so Jiyong leaves it there, in their closet island, before he moves to sit next to him. It’s funny, as soon as he sits next to him, Seungri’s body automatically pulls towards his. They lean against each other, feeling each other’s warmth, and he can’t help but think that this might be the last time.

“I didn’t know you’d be coming home tonight,” Seungri whispers with a tight voice.

“If you didn’t want me to come home, you could’ve told me and I would’ve stayed at my sister’s,” he responds solemnly because it’s the truth. “I can still go, if you’d prefer.”

Seungri shakes his head ‘no,’ against Jiyong’s shoulder.

A small part of Jiyong wishes he would’ve asked him to leave, to spare him this goodbye. But, a bigger part of him is relived that Seungri wants him to stay.

And Jiyong wants to hug him, he wants to wrap him in his arms and he wants to sooth him, to comfort him, to make him feel better, to make him feel less guilty, less hurt. He also wants to hug him because he needs it, he wants to sooth him because his body craves it, he wants to comfort him because his heart needs it, he wants to make him feel less guilty because his soul itches to continue to connect to his.

They stay there, sitting on the floor against each other, in complete silence just enjoying their warmth. And Jiyong can’t help but remember the first time he wrapped Seungri in his arms, the first time he hugged him for too long and too hard, so much so that Seungri had to push him away because he couldn’t breathe.

Jiyong loved him long before he wrapped him in his arms.

It wasn’t love at first sight, though, it was more than that. It was as if everything became still, everything stopped moving, everything became a little clearer, the stars shinned brighter, the sun was hotter, the winters were warmer, the clocks weren’t just ticking, they weren’t just moving, the were making time for him, for them; they were dividing his life as ‘Before Seungri’ and ‘With Seungri.’

Right now, on this exact day, at this exact moment, at this exact time, the clock was making a third mark: ‘After Seungri.’

Jiyong never thought that would happen, Jiyong never wanted it to happen, Jiyong hoped that he and Seungri would remain together for the rest of their lives the way he wanted, the way Seungri had wanted.

Now—

“Do you,” begins Seungri,interrupting Jiyong’s thoughts. “Do you ha—hate me?”

Jiyong wishes he could, but he doesn’t, at least not at that exact moment.

“No,” he responds. “But, I, uh, I don’t know if that’ll change in the future.”

Seugri nods in response, as Ai stirs in his lap.

“Do you, uh, wish you could take it back?” Jiyong asks.

Seungri takes a deep breath, his body shaking with it, before he speaks.

“Yeah,” he says. “I do.”

JIyong’s eyes well up with tears, and he presses his lips together, to try and keep any noise that may threaten to come out of him buried inside.

“Will you, hm, ever forgive me?” Seungri asks after a minute of silence.

Jiyong wants to tell him that he already has, but he can’t lie to him.

“With time,” he answers, closing his eyes. “A lot of time.”

Seungri nods again, as a whine escapes his throat and Jiyong wraps an arm around him. He’s the one that hurt him, the one that hurt them, and here is Jiyong being the one trying to make it easier on both of them. It’s because Jiyong loves him. Because once Jiyong loves someone, trusts them, it’s hard to turn his back on them, it’s hard to hate them—sometimes even impossible—it’s hard for him to stop feeling soft for them.

“Do you—” he stops mid way because he knows the answer he’ll get will hurt him, he knows it will and he knows he still won’t be able to hate him for it.

“I love you more,” Seungri tells him, still being able to clearly read his mind.

Jiyong wishes that were enough—he wishes it had been enough.

When Jiyong started hearing the rumors, the gossip, about Seungri and this… woman, Jiyong didn’t want to believe them. He didn’t want to even pay attention to them because he was so sure, so positive, that because Seungri loved him—that because they loved each other— he would never go looking for something different, for someone else.

Jiyong thought he would be enough.

Jiyong thought their love for each other would be enough.

Jiyong thought that because Seungri loved him with all his heart, no one else could ever step inside, no one else could even come close to entering.

Jiyong had been wrong.

Seungri slept with this woman, more than once, and she made sure people knew. And the people that found out, the people that knew made sure that Jiyong did, too.

It was hard to say what led to it, for Jiyong, anyway.

He didn’t want to know what led Seungri to let her in, perhaps she was the person that was going to be it for him for the rest of his life. Perhaps, she was not. Perhaps she had entered his life for a reason, or perhaps she had entered his life for just this season.

Whatever it was, her entering Seungri’s life, and ultimately his, changed everything.

“If I asked you,” Seungri says, his voice sounding smaller taking Jiyong back to when he was still a sixteen year old boy scared to ask questions he already knew the answer to. “If I asked you to forgive me, to take me back, would you?”

Jiyong is older now, he is not the same person he used to be when they were younger. He has grown into a man with ideals, morals, believes and ethics. It took him a while to set them in his life, to shape them and stick to them because his feelings always got in the way, his love for people always clouded his mind when he made choices. Now, he knows that feeling too much can also hurt he knows that sometimes walking away is the better choice.

Being lovers and staying in a relationship for twelve years isn’t as easy as breathing, as walking, as talking, it requires effort, time, patience, work. Loving the person isn’t all that is needed to make the relationship work. Jiyong and Seungri had to work really hard to make their relationship work because that’s how important, how essential, it had been to them.

Because of who they were, there was always temptation for both of them to be dishonest and to betray each other’s trust. For twelve years, they managed to not give into temptation no matter the person involved, no matter the situation, until now, that is.

Jiyong will forgive Seungri for being unfaithful, he thinks he already has. But, he isn’t going to take him back because being unfaithful is not an easy mistake that can be made by a person, and it is not an act that can’t be avoided. Seungri knows this, they had talked about it plenty of times. They had told themselves that if it ever got to this point, then at that time, the other would come clean to the other before the act. This was not what Seungri did, though.

“No,” he says, tears suddenly coming to his eyes.

Seungri nods in response because he had known the answer to his question all along.

“Should I leave now?” Seungri asks through a thick voice.

Jiyong doesn’t want him to go, he doesn’t want him to leave, not yet, not now, not tonight.

“Tonight,” he asks him. “Just for tonight, can’t you stay?”

Jiyong knows he probably shouldn’t ask for this, he knows he probably will regret this, but a big part of him really needs this. He wants to hug Seungri to sleep one last time, he wants to wrap him in his arms, and feel his warm breath against his neck, he wants to wake up one last time smelling entirely of him.

Seungri nods almost immediately and Jiyong automatically stands, takes his hand, pulls him up and leads them to their bed one last time.

Once in bed, Jiyong wraps Seungri in his arms and lets him sob against his chest.

And it’s over.

Seungri places his leg between Jiyong’s.

And it isn’t.

Jiyong runs his slim fingers along Seungri’s back.

It’s the end.

Seungri’s hands cling to Jiyong’s back.

And it isn’t.

“I love you,” says Seungri between tears.

It will never really be over.

“I love you more,” Jiyong tells him between his own small little sobs.

It will never really end.

If this is the end of them as lovers—if this is the last time they will hold each other like this, and tell each other sweet nothings— it is the beginning of something different for them and they will continue to be a permanent part of each other’s lives.

Days from now, Jiyong will see Seungri when they gather with the rest of the band and the company staff for the holiday festivities.

Weeks from now, Seungri and Jiyong will work late nights in the studio recording new songs for the band’s next album.

Months from now, they will travel together during their tours.

Years from now, they will perhaps watch the other walk down the isle as they marry.

They will watch the other live his life from the sidelines and they will be sad —sad because they could have lived it together, they should have lived it together.

They will watch the other thrive and they will be happy —happy because they love and will continue to love each other so much that seeing the other happy will make the other happy.

But for tonight, and until they eventually fall asleep, they will hold each other in their arms one last time and they will tell each other how much they love one another, how happy they made each other.

In the morning when Jiyong wakes to an empty bed, when he wakes to Seungri having left, he will write him a song.

He will probably spend the rest of the day writing, he will write him an entire album, maybe even eight.

And Seungri will know because Jiyong has written many songs inspired by his words, by his mind, by his hands, by his body, by his smell, by his heart, by his soul.

Seungri is Jiyong’s song keeper. He holds all of the good ones, the bad ones, the ugly ones, the ones that make him happy, the ones that make him sad.

And so, Jiyong will continue to write songs about him until he can’t anymore.

He will write about how happy he made him.

He will write about how much he hurt him.

He will write about how much he loved him.

He will write about how much he misses him.

He will write many songs, even years after this.

He won’t title them by his name, he has never titled them by his name.

He will do what he always does and write his name between the lines.

Jiyong will listen to them, he will sing them, he will perform them and he will know they are Seungri’s songs.

Seungri will listen to them and know they are his songs.

They will know.

Song by song, they will undoubtedly know.

They will continue to know, months, years, life times after.

They will always know.

x__x


End file.
